I’ve been pushing myself through the past month with Dad’s catastrophic stroke and heart attack which ultimately led to his death on March 19th of this year. I’ve allowed myself a few “down” moments, but otherwise, I’ve been strict with myself in sticking to my “normal” routine.
Is this good that I push myself? Is it bad that I don’t allow myself to fall apart? I don’t think there is a right way or wrong way to grieve…okay, I take that back, there is a wrong way, which I totally disapprove. That’s the way my derelict brother chose to conduct himself, his life throughout this end-of-life process with our dad. Derelict brother has never processed or dealt with any type of crisis well and, as far as I’m concerned, he’s always used a crisis to give in to his addictions…everyone is supposed to understand and indulge him…give me a break, it is an escape from reality and dealing with real life, right now. He’s been this way his entire life…he’ll be 50-years-old at the end of April and still feels society “owes” him!!!
My grieving process for my dad, which I’ve found is also coupled to my mom, is striking me as different. I find myself dipping into that feeling well and then yanking myself back up because I really don’t want to go there…why don’t I want to go there? Why not? Why do I find it unacceptable to allow myself to grieve for the loss of my dad…am I not through grieving for my mom…so, now, I couple the two together and am trying to find the comfort zone of how to grieve for both of my parents?
I know there are many parts of the grieving process…some are better than others, some provide much needed resolve and relief, others strike me as a pain-in-the-ass. People mean well, sending me their “happy” thoughts, verses and stories of their own grief and process in moving forward with their lives…why do some of these piss me off? I say it pisses me off for lack of what else to call it because in a way, it just doesn’t do anything for me…poems that I can’t stand to read the first couple of lines…one person sent me his version of the greater power of being thought process…there are those that send the Bible verses and scripture lessons…all of these aren’t really helping me…they aren’t hurting me, but I am getting nothing out of them…it isn’t that I don’t find any of these comforting, I simply don’t find them anything. And several have sort of turned me off to a point where I find myself pushing back from the computer keyboard and stopping myself from responding with some sort of smart-ass retort.
I am at peace with the deaths of my parents…it was their time, their numbers were called by the greater power that is and will be…it isn’t for me to question with regard to “why” it was their time, this is what my grandmother constantly chants, why her son, why not her…her motives and reasoning behind this is that it should have been her, why doesn’t God listen to her…why has God done this to her? This is the type of grieving I have no tolerance…the questioning of what has come to pass, what is and what will be, is simply not something to be questioned…her faith is what I refer to as convenient…she prays the wrong prayers, that’s why her prayers aren’t answered. And why would God answer anyone’s prayers?
I don’t believe that the Higher Power That Is, is a vengeful Being…I think He allows us to make choices in our lives, some good, some bad, but overall, we are responsible for our own destinies…that’s the beauty of my faith…I find it convenient to believe what I want to believe and disregard the rest…
Anyway, I’m muddling through my grieving process…my tolerance level for folks these days is at an all time low…Perhaps an emotional bowel movement would improve my outlook!!!