Trying To Sort Through All The Feelings…

The more I’m left to my thoughts and feelings on the inevitable death of my dad…the more tired I feel.  It is exhausting to go through this situation.  Did I feel this way when my mom was dying?  I remember finding myself thinking of what it would be like if they weened Mom off the various life-sustaining machines and her body was able to sustain her vitals…but she never regained consciousness…or if she did regain consciousness, how much brain damage had been done because she wasn’t getting adequate care at the specialty hospital which started her downward spiral…

Now, my two siblings and myself are facing the same questions, though it does seem like the three of us have a much clearer idea of what is ahead of us…it’s hard to be there in the CCU room with Dad on all the machines, knowing he really can’t hear me…if he could hear me, his processing capacity has been dramatically reduced due to this ischemic stroke…other thoughts dance through my mind…I remember reading or hearing that men with wives that have died before them, usually died within 2-years of the wife’s death.  My dad is just past the 2-year mark of my mother’s death…interesting.  Then I recalled that my ex-father-in-law died within 2-years of my mother-in-law…I chalk it up to the love of their life having gone on without them and they are so lonely, they mourn themselves to death…which basically, creates all manners of health problems, especially if there were pre-existing health issues.

It’s awkward to stand there and try to talk to my dad.  I want to believe that his soul has already departed and we’re just hanging on to the vessel…the sad, broken vessel…

Then I find myself thinking about how the end result of my mother’s demise was ultimately by the hand of God.  Again, this is how I want to remember it.  Her “vessel” simply gave out and the process of shutting down went into over-drive and she died.  It was a relief…I know that’s probably a terrible feeling to have when one of your parents die but the thought of her laying in a nursing home not knowing any of us, not being able to do anything on her own made me sick to my stomach.  I was relieved that the ultimate decision and outcome was decided for us.  All I had to do was tell the doctors that there was a DNR in place after the first Code Blue.

We were able to be at my mother’s side as her heart stopped beating.  It was a surreal moment…I had pretty much said my good-byes earlier in the week…I did the same with my dad the night before last…I told him that if Mom was there to get him, to go with her…no point in lingering, we would all be fine.  I told him we were tired and I knew he was tired of living alone, living without Mom and to just go.  I always feel guilty after I’ve said that, admitted it all to myself…but I do mean it, I don’t want my dad to suffer, I don’t want him to linger…I want him to be at peace.  I want peace in my own life, perhaps that’s selfish but that’s how I think and feel right now.

I’m tired…I don’t feel like I’ve got a whole lot more to give…perhaps I should go and lay down, watch one of my favorite reality show reruns…just clear my head and watch someone else’s drama playing out…

I’m glad it’s raining…I would really be sad that I’m not up to enjoying a warm sunny, early spring day if it was sunny outside…oh the emotions one goes through when dealing with an impending death in the family.

2 thoughts on “Trying To Sort Through All The Feelings…

    • Thank you for your sympathy. It is not an easy road but I’m learning to take it one day at a time. Again, thank you.

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