Saturday Musings…

I decided to forego my Saturday morning yoga class, just wasn’t where I wanted or needed to be mentally to make the made dash to class at 9:00 a.m.

I decided to start tackling the house cleaning projects that seem to pile up even when I’ve been taking it one day at a time throughout the work week…though the last two weeks seem more of a blur and chaos than anything organized and orderly. I can’t stand chaos, even if I know where things are, if it’s out of order, it drives me crazy! That’s where I find myself this morning…I need and want to tackle the chaos and bring order to it all.

I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk this week…just not in a good frame of mind and really can’t pin point the “why” of it…okay, that’s not true, I do have a good idea of the “why” of it, just trying to work through some personal issues and feelings. Amazing how when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you’ve gone through what you think are the “normal” stages of a life cycle…in this instance, mourning the death of a loved one, it jumps up and takes you down again for another round of wrestling with your feelings/emotions…

Yes, admitting to myself why I feel so down and out, is half the battle…however, it doesn’t take away this feeling of hopelessness and frustration over a situation that shouldn’t have happened. The anger I felt at the time of my mother’s death over her healthcare has never completely disapated…I still want answers, answers I know I’ll never get…but shouldn’t somebody, somewhere be held accountable, if only to provide and reiterate the feeble answers we (the family) were given while it was all happening?

The reason for my unsettled, emotional state is due to the statute of limitations deadline of 2-years in which to file a wrongful death/damages lawsuit. I’ve talked to a couple of plaintiff attorneys and received the same answer, there is no lawsuit…one even pointed out the obvious, we could file a lawsuit and go through the motions and the speciality hospital may pay to keep the family “quiet” about the treatment or lack thereof my mother received while in their care…but it would be a struggle and battle, putting my family through some pretty rigid questioning. I honestly don’t think my dad could go through that…we’ve finally got him to a point where he’s half-way functioning on his home. The reality of him continuing on without his life partner is finally soaking in, he doesn’t like it but, he’s learning to live with it.

Why does this bother and burden me so? I’m the oldest child of the four children to my parents. I’m the one with all the answers and if I don’t have the answers, you can bet I will search until I do come up with an answer or reasonable explanation. In the case of my mother’s death, I really wanted answers, the answers I did receive did not provide any comfort nor did they provide a reasonable explanation of the “why” she died.

So, here I am, feeling guilty because I haven’t been able to come up with the “right” answers. Yes, I feel guilty…thus, I feel somewhat responsible for letting my dad, sister and brother down for not pressing things further. Honestly, I don’t want to go through what I know everyone would be put through. Having worked in medical malpractice defense for a couple of years, I know how grueling a wrongful death case can be on the family. The law firm I worked for would put the families through Hell over even the smallest of things in the deceased’s past. It would be like this for my family due to the cirrhosis of the liver and liver cancer that was discovered at the autopsy of my mother. Stage 4 cirrohsis of the liver doesn’t happen over-night…thus, there would be an intensive family history investigation/inquiry bringing up all manners of ugliness that really only I remember my mother having gone through during her 20s and 30s.

My dad was already upset with me during the 21-days after my mother’s surgery when the doctors were asking if my mother had ever had a drinking problem…in my mind, yes, she did when she was in her 20s, 30s and yes, even in her 40s. Both my parents drank excessively. My mother abused prescription medications…she did that ever since I could remember…so, that would be a “yes” to abuse of prescription medications…alcohol and prescription medication abuse can lead to a person’s internal organs decline over the years. My mother hadn’t been drinking the last couple of years before her death but the sentence was already underway and her body was slowly giving up the fight…the back surgery with the involvement of anesthetics provided the push to complete the decline and lead to her death. Doesn’t it sound like I have the answers? I understand what lead us to the 21-day rapid fall of my mother…it’s what happened during that 21-day period, especially the first 14-days while she’s was in the care and custody of the speciality hospital that bothers me, and yes, I want someone to be held accountable…but that’s where the task becomes impossible!!!

Because it was a speciality hospital, they aren’t held to the same record keeping standards that an accredited hospital is held. They can keep records as shoddily as they want and never get called on the table for it. You can be sure I’ve launched several campaigns of sending irrate e-mails and letters to my legislators about why these speciality hospitals aren’t held accountable for their services and care but let’s face it, money talks and I’ve got no money to pass around and get people to pay attention to me…

Which brings me to where I find myself and my current frame of mind. The statute of limitations date will come run on 2-14-10. It will come and go and I will have nothing to protest or cause someone to be alarmed…I want to send another request for my mother’s medical records from the speciality hospital but my requests have been ignored before, they will more than likely be tossed out like the other two requests. I feel as though I’ve failed…but failed at what?

I’ll be fine, I will pick myself up and move forward…it just takes some time to work through and while I’m “in the process” I’m a bit down and out…and yes, even shoe shopping has brought me around this time…actually made me give thought to getting my ass in gear and getting myself in better physical condition, which is definitely something my mother would have wanted me and the rest of my family to do!!

So, here I am on a cloudy, gloomy, cold Saturday morning, wrestling with my inner demons, thoughts and emotions…I miss my mom!!

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